It’s so hard to give up on what you want, and those possibilities and go for something different.

It’s so easy to love the people that destroy us

I’m writing this at night because I think that is when your brain in it’s entirety expands into substantial areas. Clouded judgment that enriched capacity settles down, and you are left with some kind of raw emotion that only happens when the sun goes down over the horizon, and I think this is the only time I can be truly honest with everything going on. 

There is this grey area of freedom you have right before your first day of high school. When your parents tell you ‘this is when it really matters’, ‘get good grades and we’ll buy you a car’, ‘give you a later curfew’, ‘let boys come over’. Vice versa. And then you go through your first year of high school and you get your 3.0 until january when some boy starts taking you to parties, and letting you wear his sweatshirt when you’re cold. And yeah things are great, and he’s honest, and he calls you pretty and you go to mcdonalds at lunch and both happen to like oreo mcflurrys the most, and maybe you meet his sister or something. and maybe you find a shared love for the movie apocolypto. So life just starts to vivify itself for you. You miss a few classes get a few b’s, and then he stops calling you one day, and your heart breaks a little bit, and they turn to d’s. and it’s the end of your sophomore year, and summer is right around the corner and he’s graduating, and you’re dreading having to spend all this time with the bitchy junior girls. And your heart is still completely shattered. So you drink a lot,  maybe make a move away. And you keep thinking to yourself this is when things really get better. And then your best guy friend dies but your too busy paying attention to the future and to friday nights to see his problems. 

I mean I think we all have these situations. It’s kind of like a riptide, constantly being dragged under, and under, and then you get substantial moments of clarity when your life makes sense, but you are still looking at the world with blinders on. Still focused on some light in the distance. Some light that resembles your future and white picket fences, and clarity. And I think that’s okay for most people. I think most of us are okay with dying with diamonds on our fingers. But I don’t know what I want anymore. All I know is that if I wake up in twenty years thinking to myself ‘I should have taken that chance,’ or I should have kissed that boy, or doing the same shit I’m doing now I’m going to kill myself. This is the only chance you’ll ever get. So everything you experience, every first moment you have. Every first kiss, every dance, all the little moments. Even hearing a song on the radio for the first time. This is the only opportunity for that. So all of you paying fifteen grand a year, sitting in hundreds of hours of classes listening to some professor tell you about the importance of facial reconstruction, or WWII or some major event that sculpted some area of the world you couldn’t really give a shit about, all so what? You can die with nine grand in your pocket and four kids and a bmw x5. I pity you. You wasted so much of yourself trying to be acceptable to everyone else that you forgot about the little things. Everyone is always wasting away their youth trying to grow up, when we should be recapturing it. Taming our insecurities and then running wild with them. Enjoying, experiencing, loving far too much. And so now, i’m sitting here trying to decide between staying for the possibilities or leaving for the opportunities and I’m not sure which one I yearn for greater. I feel comfortable, and ordinary, and I haven’t felt this alone since the first night I slept in my condo in bellevue with the music on. I don’t want to fail, but I’m not sure if it’s good enough to stay. I need direction right now. something, 

I kept saying ‘when i grow up’ or ‘when I’m older’ and now I’m kind of grown up, and I still haven’t done any of those things I said I would.